dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We need to get me chipped asap
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
