you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
