You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Bring me that man meat
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
