I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
