I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
