fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
