According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
