I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
