You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
