Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the day after is always just damage control
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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