I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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