My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
