Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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