he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
