She went from zero to smokin in five shots
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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