I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
