yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
