Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize