I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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