So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
