yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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