i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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