Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
