I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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