captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
