She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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