Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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