So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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