Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
