i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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