You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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