I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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