I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Randomize
