I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Randomize
