I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
