I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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