We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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