batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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