can we get nightvision for the apartment?
that's an acceptable place to lick
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
