Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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