I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
