My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
