I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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