Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's rum buckets o'clock
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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