Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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