I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize