i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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