Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize