Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
