definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
