I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
