Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
