i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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