i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
