I hate your face
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Sorry about my life...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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