the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
