i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize