what day is it and did you see me today?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
