Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
