terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
