My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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